Bed, Bath and Beyond

Water is as hazardous to a pimp as it is to a witch. Sure gators get raised in water, but a torrential downpour can keep a track empty, not to mention, ruin a pimp’s pretty-ass perm. However, hanging out all day at the pad, counting money and touching women lets a little part of his soul shrivel up. But before you get out on the block and feel alive putting five fingers to face again, you gotta’ regain that glorious glow. Great pimps are born and not made, so it’s only natural that the newest beautician to revolutionize the game is one of God’s creatures. But even if your great, great, great grandfather wasn’t a pimp, you now have a chance to make up that bankrupt bloodline by catching up to track stars with a quick dip in some refreshing waters inhabited by a pimp’s best friend.

Garra rufa AKA the Doctor Fish is a species of fish native to Central and Northern parts of The Middle East, that feed on the dead skin of animals. Think Night of the Living Dead meets Discovery Channel’s special on tiny fish. Although the fish have been pimping and pampering for centuries in their native Turkey, spas that utilize the fish’s special talents began popping up last year in Korea and Japan. The fish, which measure about one inch in length, have no teeth, and like a good ho, use suction to satisfy their daddy.

So, if you’ve been out all night in your fresh Gators gettin’ that money, then you’re bound to have some fish food ready to be feasted upon by the hungry little critters. Even if your major money maker's feet got corns on ’em, you don’t have to toss her out the stable, just send her to the spa. That’s you and your hoes helping uphold the delicate balance of our glorious ecosystem.

It’s important to keep the pimp hand strong, but to keep it soft is divine. Now that that task is as simple as 1-2-3, it’s time to look to the future. Sick of the paper shredder jamming on those records and reports? How about a nice domesticated mountain goat to chew up and shit out the dangerous documents. A pimp’s life is a selfish and lonely one. An enormous, wise vulture would be a perfect companion for a pimp to divulge the trails and tribulations of preying on vulnerable, defenseless and abandoned creatures. Assholes.

From Mass Appeal #49